Nightmares
by Dragonsmaidan
Summary: Sirius Black is free from Azkaban, but still feels like he is in prison, he broods and drinks to stop the nightmares.


Sirius was alone.

Remus had left on a mission again (to put himself in danger, no doubt), which left Sirius alone. He hated being alone, especially these days. He tipped his head back and finished the last sip of firewhiskey straight from the bottle. Sirius knew there was going to be another pile of them when Remus came back. _If Remus came back,_ he reminded himself.

It had been like this for months. Ever since Harry left for school. With all of the kids gone the house was quiet. Too quiet. Which only left Sirius wander about and brood. He hated being back in this house. It was like a living nightmare. Everywhere he turned, every door he opened, unleashed a new flood of terrible memories. Most of them he thought he would never have to think of again after the day he walked out of this house. His mother's house. He still thought of it that way, even if technically it now belonged to him since he was the heir to the "Most Noble and Ancient House of Black." It was one of the reasons he had given it to Dumbledore to be used as Headquarters. Perhaps planning for the war and helping keep Harry safe would help cleanse it… at least in his mind anyway.

Sirius scoffed as he walked past the room containing the family tapestry. He continued up the stairs to his mother's old room. He'd stashed another bottle of firewhiskey up there he was pretty sure Remus hadn't found. He'd have to get more the next time Mundungus came by, hopefully it would be soon. He couldn't stay sober long. Sobriety meant he had to think and he would very much like to stay out of his own head. Sirius knew from past experiences that if he got drunk enough he would just black out and his nights would be dreamless or rather void of nightmares. He rarely had nice dreams these days.

Until Sirius had moved back to Grimmauld Place the past summer he had been too concerned with staying hidden and away from Dementors to really process anything that had happened to him in Azkaban. Now he had nothing but time to process and he really didn't want to.

\--

Sirius looked up from the new bottle he'd just cracked open when he heard the heavy front door shut. No one was scheduled to be at Headquarters for at least a few days. He started to rise from his chair unsteadily.

"Just me," Remus said, entering the kitchen.

Sirius sank back down, relief flooding his chest. He looked Remus up and down for any injuries.

"Back in one piece I see," Sirius plastered an easy grin on his face.

He saw Remus start to smile before he eyes flicked down to the bottle in Sirius' hand and then came to rest on the small pile of empty ones next to the fireplace. "I thought you were going to stop," Remus' voice was low.

"Moony, I... " He trailed off. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't stop. If he stopped the nightmares would start.

"Please talk to me." Remus sat down heavily across from Sirius at the table. "I just want to help. I can't stand seeing you like this."

Sirius took another swig. He wished he could talk to Remus. He used to tell Remus everything, but so many things were different now. They were different. They had been apart for what might as well have been 15 years. Remus wouldn't understand.

"Please," he heard Remus try again.

Sirius couldn't take it. He needed to escape he stood quickly bottle still in hand and headed towards the door. He heard Remus follow. "Sirius, you can't." Remus was always quick on the uptake and often knew what Sirius was thinking before he did himself.

Sirius whirled towards Remus. "I need to get out! I can't stay here!"

"Dumbledoreー"

Sirius cut him off. "It's like I'm back in prison, Remus!" He couldn't hold it in any longer. He threw the bottle of firewhiskey he had been drinking from and watched it fly past Remus' head and shatter on the stone wall behind him. "I need to get out." His voice sounded broken now. He knew he couldn't leave. There was no escape.

"Sirius," Remus said gently, arms outstretched towards Sirius.

"No!" Sirius backed away. They didn't do that anymore.

"I escaped, Remus. I escaped this house and Azkaban and now I'm stuck back in this hell." His voice cracked and he turned and fled up the stairs to his old bedroom. He locked the door and slid to the floor and put his head in his hands. He'd smashed his last bottle. He knew the nightmares would be coming for him tonight.

\--

_Sirius was in James and Lily's sitting room playing gobstones with James. Remus was sitting on the sofa with a very pregnant Lily. Their heads were bowed together and they were whispering conspiratorially, occasionally throwing glances over at him and James._

_"Moony," Sirius teasingly called over to him. "Want to share with the class?"_

_Remus' face flushed his eyes snapping to Sirius. Sirius smiled. He loved making Remus blush._

_"Bugger off, Sirius, and mind your own business." Lily called back and pulled Remus' hand into her own so they could continue their conversation._

_Sirius held Remus' gaze for a second longer and smiled before turning back to Lily._

_Sirius didn't really care what they were talking about he was just glad Remus was here with him. He lived for Remus' happiness and would do whatever it took to protect it._

_Sirius turned back to the gobstone board, but it was gone. He was 16 again and back in Grimmauld Place. He could hear his mother yelling up the stairs. He had to hide. He looked around desperately, the only thing in the room was the giant tapestry with his name blasted off it. He closed his eyes as the door opened and gave himself over to the inevitable._

_When he finally dared to open his eyes again he was back in Lily and James' house. It was pitch dark and smelled of destruction. He could hear a baby crying. Fear gripped him and he tried to stop himself from turning around, but his body was on autopilot. There was James lying in the doorway, glasses askew, messy hair a stain on the carpet._

_Sirius started running up the stairs. Not this time. He knew what he would find, but this time it would be different. He would grab Harry and take him far away. He would take him somewhere safe and give him the life he deserved._

_The baby's cries were louder now. He reached the landing and stopped dead. A familiar cold sensation seeping into his skin. Dozens of large billowing figures started to crowd around him, pushing him back, their breathes rattling. He stumbled and fell, just as one broke from the pack and came straight towards him pushing back his hood._

Sirius awoke and sat up with a cry, eyes squeezed shut with terror, wetness on his cheeks. He failed. Again. He felt a warm pressure on his hand in the dark.

"It's okay. You're safe. It was just a nightmare." Remus' voice was filled with calm reassurance.

Sirius kept his eyes closed, but didn't move his hand. If only it were just a nightmare. His mother died hating him. James and Lily were still dead. The dementors were still searching for him.

"It's why I drink." He said thickly. He was too tired to keep hiding the truth. But Why did it have to have the nightmare tonight when Remus was here? Remus, who was kind and perfect. Who didn't have nightmares about his mother and his best friend. Who didn't have to worry about getting the dementor's kiss if he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air and who got to feel the sun on his skin.

"Sirius?" Remus' was looking at him questioningly.

"Nightmares. I have them every night I don't drink enough to just pass out." He finally opened his eyes and looked at Remus, fully expecting to see pity.

"Budge up." Remus' eyes were full of understanding. Sirius shifted forward as Remus moved behind him on the bed.

Sirius relaxed on instinct as Remus' arms went around his waist. He felt Remus' breath ghost on his ear. "I have them too you know."

Sirius turned to look Remus in the eyes, which we full of honest sincerity. He couldn't do this anymore. Not alone. He pressed his lips against Remus', his arms going around Remus' neck. Sirius closed his eyes as he felt Remus kiss back.

Maybe he could survive the nightmares after all.


End file.
